I remember staying up all night

I remember staying up all night, 

wishing it was morning so I didn't have to sleep.

Not that I didn't want to,

but because I couldn't.

I would choke as I would cry.

I would pray, to whomever would listen. 

I remember laying in my bed, in physical pain.

I couldn't stop thinking. 

It's not that I wanted to die.

I felt love for others and myself.

but the feeling. That feeling,

One I would never wish upon my worst enemy. 

I remember driving for miles.

Listening to the same song on repeat.

Trying to wipe my tears

& understand why this was all happening to me.

But it didn't end.

It never ended.

I was in this constant pain.

It never stopped. 

I didn't have the strength to realize,

where I was in my life 

was not where I was suppose to be.

I was abusing my own heart. 

And everyone could see, except myself. 

I wasn't bleeding, there were no stains.

But the pain I felt cannot be described in words. 

It wasn't just losing someone.

I was losing myself. 

No one asked my how I was doing.

They avoided the subject, or made jokes about it.

As would I.

I laughed. I made jokes & I pretended like everything was okay.

Not just okay, but better.

I wasn't better though.

Nothing about the situation made me happy. 

I was empty, and the person I believed knew me most,

truly cared for me, was the one that kicked me when I was down.

He manipulated me into thinking what i was doing was wrong.

He used the love I had for him against me. 

I can't blame him. He was insecure. He was lost. 

& he knew as well as I did, 

we were not meant to be. 

I'm now staying up all night, 

wishing it was the morning,

Not because I don't want to sleep,

but the Lord knows, how much I want to start again. 

If I could write my soul on paper, if I could let you know, I wouldn't be the same. I would have a mask. I have that mask.

I am fall apart.

It's a simple concept that's giving me a lifelong headache.

My heart isn't broken.

It's breaking.

It's been breaking and each day it breaks a little more.

Not being able to show to the world who I want to be.

Being in this model, not out of choice. 

But out of pressure. Out of what I need to be. 

Maybe life isn't complicated. Maybe it is. 

All I know is that I am not just stressed. 

It's not a phase, it's a lifestyle. 

I don't think anyone will understand, nor does anyone take the time to see.

That maybe my perfect self, doesn't exist.

Some people were made for success.

Some people were made to fit the mold.

Then there's people like me feeling deep down inside that..... 

I DO NOT BELONG HERE.

Not in a suicidal way, in a way that i know i'm meant to be somewhere else. 

It's not location I'm in, it's the mind set.

I'm not meant to be angry. I'm not created to be my worst enemy. 

I'm created to fight the devil, to let my demons out. 

I have this vision.

This vision that I will meet someone who understands my soul. 

But I don't know if thats true... 

I don't think it is. 

I feel like I am so powerful.

Not to rule the world, but to create a world.

And maybe that's what I'm meant to do.

Create the world I want to live in.

Be that person I've always wanted to be.

Cut my hair short, stop eating and lose weight. 

Wear dresses, be happy, and let society see that I can, I will. 

Maybe I don't need to find an army.

Maybe I'm my own army. 

I forgive you.

I forgive you for making me feel like this.

I forgive who? 

Myself. 

No one broke my heart, I am breaking my heart. 

I can't blame society. 

Society is just the pressure that makes me feel this way.

But at the end of the day i'm convincing myself.

I'm falling into the blindness of society.

Something created that isn't real.

Society doesn't have to be reality. 

It isn't. 

And for who knows, 

and who cares,

I'm not okay. 

And with my last breathe,

I will not blame you.

I will not apologize,

I will pray. 

Pray for humanity.

And pray that ...

no one feels the way I do. 

Naive

What does it really mean to be naive? 

People call me naive for believing people when they say they are gay. 

"He's just faking it to mess with you. It's going to be so embarrassing when you find out it's all a joke on you." 

Can we step back for a second.

You can me naive for understanding people are different than YOU.

You're the naive one sir. You are. 

People are so afraid of what they don't understand. 

Don't call me naive because you haven't stepped out of your little life.