I pray

I'm just done.
I'm just tired.
I'm just ready to get better.

Each day gets longer and longer.
I'm sick of my sister complaining about how I ask for help.
"Why can't you just get it, you aren't paralyzed."

Each time I want to do something, I realize I can't.
It's just been the longest months of my life.

Hawthorn.

About two years ago, I met you.
About 9 months ago, we started hanging out.
About 7 months ago, we became best friends.
About 5 months ago, I felt like I was losing you.
After 3 months ago, it was clear you didn't care.
About 1 month ago, I realized I would give my life for you.
About a week ago, you were tearing me apart.
About a minute ago, I was trying to tell you I love you.

A New Light

I'd like to say, for the first time in a long time.
That status, is not about you.
:)

Peaceful Mind

I'd like to say, I'm healed.
I'm done with the tears and I'm free from my negative point of view.

And that's exactly what I am going to say.
I have wasted too much time on dreaming when I just needed to finally wake up.
I'm over the tears,
I'm onto what I deserve.

I'm just moving on.

Shut the door*

I don't understand why I look for all these different places to write down, exactly how I feel about you. Why has this not happened before? Because this is the first time I'm going against what I believe. I believe that if you like someone, if you see someone for who they are, and you like that, why would you not tell the person? Why would you keep inside something that could be the difference of life and death for someone? For you, there is no way I would ever tell you. I don't tell my friends, I don't tell my family, I don't tell. Because I know once people know, the feeling I have, does not mean as much. Through the lies and assumptions something so pure can become meaningless. And no matter what anyone says, I know how I feel is something that can and is tearing me up inside. And some tears you can not hold in. Why I won't tell you? You don't need someone else to let down. Maybe I can keep the hope alive not knowing how you actually feel.

I always said not to make assumptions, but honestly there are times where it's too obvious to deny. I know you were and will never feel the same as I do. I know I will never be that girl you have been using your 16 years of your life looking for, so I can say- there is no point.

But my point in all this is not so we can fall in love and run away together. There is no reason for me to deny the fact you have changed my life, and brought someone out of me I've never knew was there. While you are off trying to make your life perfect, I'm trying to just live mine. I don't have time to add perfection, I'm trying to just make it through.

You are the hardest to let go.
and it is no mystery why.

There was never a closure.
I'm trying to use writing to let out everything I feel.
And I never wanted it to come to having to tell you to refresh and renew my soul.

But each day is getting longer.
Each night I stay up longer crying.
Each morning, I pray I'll make it through.

And each day I realize, that maybe keeping this door a crack open just in case you need me, doesn't work.
Maybe I need to tell you how I really feel, say goodbye, and shut the door.

Ask me

Ask me what I like to do.

Ask me what values I have.

Ask me what I think about you.

Ask me what I believe.

Ask me.

Don't go and ask my best friends,
Don't go and assume you know.

Ask me.

I wish

You get one shot,
you get one chance.

And the worst feeling is to look back and see how your chances faded to nothing.
Let's pretend we had as many wishes as we wanted.


I wish you would look past my face.
I wish you would have given me a chance.
I wish you didn't listen to your friends.
I wish I didn't ever go to that musical.
I wish I didn't go to Fishers Junior High.
I wish I was a year younger.
I wish I had B lunch all of last year.
I wish you would have just given me a chance.

I wish you would ask me if I liked you.
I wish you would text me.
I wish you could see through the lies.
I wish you felt the spark.
I wish you wouldn't judge me when we pass eachother.
I wish she would have dated you.

I wish you understood that's annoying.
I wish you understood I don't trust you as much.
I wish you understood the jokes aren't funny.
I wish you understood I don't like when you do exactly what I do.
I wish you understood I like the music I like, you don't have to.
I wish you understood you need to stop complaining.
I wish you understood you don't understand.


I wish I just didn't care anymore

I need to stop lying*

to myself.

I remember when you told me that it would be okay. I remember when you told me I deserved better than him. But I would never have guessed I would stay up crying each night trying to catch my breath because every word you never said runs through my head. I turn up the music until I can not hear myself think. Because all the thoughts I have in my mind, are all about who I thought you were. If you really knew me, you'd know how strong I was. If you really knew me, you'd realize I need someone.

I've found who I need. And while I wasted the past months, believing it was you, I turn and realize who I really needed was the One who put me here in the first place. And as I life on, I know I can not talk to you. Because I have learned to live my life without you, and with all the progress I've made, the worst thing that could happen would me letting you back in. But I don't apologize for having to let you down. You'll find someone else to use, really.

What happened to me stopping writing about you?

Who knows

Why is it that

Why is it that, I can not stop thinking about the past year.
Why is it that, no matter what you say or what you don't do, I still can't stop thinking about you.
Why is it that, whatever anyone says, I still believe deep down there is good in you.
Why is it that, I used to believe I matter to you.
Why is it that, I ever believed anything you said.
Why is it that, we could sit there and laugh, but anything real was denied.
Why is it that, it felt like you were the one real thing in my life.
Why is it that, when I hear your name, I remember you saying how much you trust me.
Why is it that, when we hang out, we act like best friends.
Why is it that, no matter how much I am there for you, you are never there for me.
Why is it that, I am still writing about this.
Why is it that, you are so hard to let go of.

Because for the first time, I believed it was real, right, complete. For the first time, I thought it was obvious through everything. I thought you had appreciation for everything I did for you. Because I believed God had a bigger plan for both of us. Because I thought I was going to witness a miracle. I thought you were my miracle, and maybe I could have been yours. Because every time you asked what was wrong, I THOUGHT YOU CARED. Because I can not deny what I felt towards you. And for the past 16 years of my life, I have never looked at someone the same as I looked at you. And no one can and will ever understand.

Maybe that's why.

I always want to stay close to my family

I want to be completely honest.
Even though I pretend like I'm okay
you're comments stab that spear right through my heart.

When you repeatedly hear something,
you start to believe it.

Whenever you say -
"nobody needs you."
"nobody wants you here."
"you're a mistake."
"parents hate you."

I don't care how strong I am,
I don't care how strong you are.

There comes a point where I can not stand hearing the
same negative words everyday I come home from school,
which already almost is living hell.

The next time you say
"I wish I could be a big sister, I'd be a good one."

Remember, sometimes how the
'big sister' acts is off of how the 'little sister' acts.

I wish I could be a little sister, I'd be a good one.

there is nothing left*

If I give you my hand,
what do you think that means?
Nothing, you let go.

But that sounds pretty good
when you're falling asleep listening
to your heart slowly stop beating.

If I give you my heart,
what do you think that means?
Nothing, you held on.

But now you're a scar, healed and done with.

let the flowers die

Dear Unknown Source,
Stop pretending you know me. Stop spreading I'd take your life for mine. Because you know what, it's the exact opposite. I'd give my life for everyone's and anyone's. But I'd pray it would mean something to you. Stop staring me down. Stop laughing when I can't speak, you make me speechless.

Stop judging me.
Stop judging me.
Stop judging me.

If you look at me and figure you know what I like, what I think, what I know, you are wrong. Try to name something I hold close, I can say it's not what you care about.

While you worry about that, I'll worry about this.

What I have in my hands are closed shut. But I won't keep it from you.
But don't beg for the reasons why, don't ask for me to change.

I'll consider the sky,
I'll wait for that time.

Unknown Source. You know nothing, about me.

You told me not to say

You're listing off reasons,
I started to cry. You told me to stop...
You showed me how to stop.

You push me down, I fall through the fence.
Here's what you didn't know

I walked miles to see you,
I cried ever night I stayed from home.
I hid with my ex bestfriend for you.

I gave up years of my life,
All the time I had, I used in trying to make our relationship work.
But from the punches and slaps.

I have nothing but bruises up my arms,
my bones are broken but I still try with every breath to walk.
But I fall.
I fall for you

Through everything you put me through,
from the threats to the depth of my tears.
Why do I go back to you..

Push me down one more time,
I swear, one day I won't walk back.